Dependencies

New Poem:



Dependency


Depencies, depends you see.
I sometimes believe that I cannot leave.
I wake up bored and think, "oh Lord",
Just to get up has become such a chore.

What do I think my life's become?
To think I'm meat that's over done?
To those around that can hear my sound,
I feel I'm square in a world that's round.

Do I have much left to give?
I feel like it's all I've got to live.
To give everything I have of me.
Do those around, in me, believe?

To those who feel they cannot cope,
To those who believe there is no hope.
To those who are riding in my boat,
To those who think this ship can't float.

I want you to know there is a way,
A way for those who believe they've strayed,
From who and how and what you are,
Don't measure against unrealistic bars.

Be you, I said, be yourself.
Those who love you,
Will show themselves.
Don't try to conform to the norm.
To force yourself to some ideal form.

Let's all go ahead and learn this lesson,
Being some kind of social delicatessen.
Dancing around to please everyone,
When in the end it's them who's won.

Let's stand up and raise our fists,
Let's make sure everyone gets the gist.
Who I am fits me like a glove,
All I really want is to be loved.

I don't want your deep connections,
I don't want your deep suggestions.
I don't want to keep your insurrections.
I just want to make my own objections.

Be you, I said, be yourself.
Those who love you,
Will show themselves.
Don't try to conform to the norm.
To force yourself to some ideal form.


--Brian

Ok. Update.

I suppose this is a bad time to try and do an update. It's 12:41am and I wake up between 5am-7am every morning now. So, this is going to be a short update... it won't nearly have as many details as needed to give a proper update as to what's happening right now in my life.

Either way, here's one sentence for the blog:

My wife is moving out on the first of next month and a friend is moving into the other bedroom in my house.

That should sum up the last 8 months of my life.

Life...

It's amazing what life will throw at you. It's amazing what you can take, as well. It's difficult to write on here without giving too much away, but I just want to express that I want to run away from everything but at the same time stand up, be a man, and make things work the way they're supposed to.

It's so difficult to see someone moving towards a path of destruction and not being able to do anything about it. All you can do is love. But, you have to be very cautious in the love because you can push that person away. It's so complicated. Why!? WHY!?

Why can't people just accept things for what they are. Control what they can control and let go of that which they cannot? Why can't we just choose right over wrong every time? Why can't we all just GET ALONG?!?

Sometimes I feel like the only sane person... I wish I could just say a magic word and then, BAM, change a persons thought process to understand mine and see where I'm really coming from.

I believe I'm pretty articulate. But, sometimes when I'm in specific situations which dictate a more aggressive level communication, I cannot say anything the way I truly mean it. How do you express yourself without breaking every barrier of safety?

Maybe that's it. I can't wear kid gloves anymore. Maybe I need to man-up and just say things the way they are. They're already going south and if I do nothing they will continue to move to where they will be eventually out of my reach.

I need to say what needs to be said. I need to put it bluntly but with love. I need to speak the truth in love. I need to be a true example of a man... the best that I can be and if things don't work out the way I originally planned, that's ok. I tried. I did my best and I did what I was supposed to do. It's better than watching everything slip away to place that's beyond my control.

Here I come, to the land of the unknown. The land of possible rejection. The land of possibility...

Hooooh Boy. :)

Been a while since I posted! Well, let's see here...

-We went through the stresses of the final few weeks before out marriage.
-Went through the Wedding, which was awesome! Thank you to everyone who helped. :)
-Went on a week vacation to Baja California on a Carnival Cruise (highly recommend).
-Came back and went back to work to find out that I was being let go.
-Immediately started a job search that night and got 3 interviews with the same company in 2 days time!
-Now, I'm looking for all opportunities that will roll my way and/or that I have to search for.

So, that's a short list of the long month that I haven't written anything. I have to say that I love being married. We've only gotten into a few little arguments so most of the time we're just having a great time being as close as a person can be to another.

She's already gotten me to watch the one movie I swore I'd never watch; Titanic. It really was something to convince me to, she has to sit through the equivalent of Football games. : ) lol

I figured it would good to show her that I'd do anything for her and that we can enjoy things that the other person loves to do together. Either way, the movie was just waaaay too long. Bleh.

I'm now just writing before I head out into the big world and find other job opportunities again! :) weeeee!

I actually found that alot of the little spats that we were having were directly related to the extreme stress of paying for our own wedding and of putting it on. I'm glad we did, though. It's allowed us to have a nice little get-a-way from the stress of these huge events... even though the losing of the job is kind of a big event that's added a lot of stress, I think we're more prepared as a couple to take care of it and deal with it together.

Another funny thing that happened was the fact that I got sick a week before the wedding and cruise and was throwing up and doing the number 2 dance. Then, I was praying I wouldn't do that again until after everything was finally over. Well, that's exactly what I got. On the car ride home I still felt like I was on the boat, which wasn't so bad, except for some reason I had a terrible headache and my tummy was upset.

So, they had to pull over and I threw up. Then I got home, which took way to long because of me, and fell into bed instantaneously, 20 minutes later woke up and threw everything up that I had eaten for the past 7 days. lol Money wasted!

The weird thing was that I couldn't keep my eyes open. I fell right to sleep and slept for 12 hours straight from 8pm to 8am and felt great and refreshed in the morning. I guess if I were to ever be sick, that's the way to do it. Get it all out at the beginning, sleep the rest of it off and wake up feeling great. :)

Sick

I'm sick. I woke up this morning vomiting and doin' the number two in the not so happy fun-time format. Didn't go to work today, so I feel bad for not making the money I should be working for my family that's about to start... and yet, I'm still dizzy, light-headed, nauseous, and got liquid flying from my body every which way (gross, huh?).

I thought I'd share this with you all, thank you.

Less Than Two Weeks

Yup, less than two weeks left! The excitement is coming in small stints and starting to hit harder and harder as the big day comes closer. We'll see how I feel next week after Jason's wedding. I'm wearing fuchsia for my tuxedo tie and vest! AH! It's just like Jason to pull something like that. :)

Either way, I can't believe it's already been 8 months since I've asked her to marry me. It seems like this day's been so far away for so very long, but now it's right upon on and we're scrambling to make all the final arrangements.

All I know is that I love her and that I'll support her through her life. If I do that, I know we'll be happy together always...

12 more days...!!

Mini Spats

It's funny. Little tiny things can get people upset. Drama comes in the smallest packages and yet, when those little tiny packages are opened, it's as though they're the biggest things in the world at the moment.

This seems especially true when you really care about a person and then the whole world just seems to turn upside down when you're not in agreement.

Yet... the funny thing is, the next morning things seem to be back to normal... was it ever really worth being upset about in the first place?

I wish we could think this clear headed while it was happening.