Dependencies

New Poem:



Dependency


Depencies, depends you see.
I sometimes believe that I cannot leave.
I wake up bored and think, "oh Lord",
Just to get up has become such a chore.

What do I think my life's become?
To think I'm meat that's over done?
To those around that can hear my sound,
I feel I'm square in a world that's round.

Do I have much left to give?
I feel like it's all I've got to live.
To give everything I have of me.
Do those around, in me, believe?

To those who feel they cannot cope,
To those who believe there is no hope.
To those who are riding in my boat,
To those who think this ship can't float.

I want you to know there is a way,
A way for those who believe they've strayed,
From who and how and what you are,
Don't measure against unrealistic bars.

Be you, I said, be yourself.
Those who love you,
Will show themselves.
Don't try to conform to the norm.
To force yourself to some ideal form.

Let's all go ahead and learn this lesson,
Being some kind of social delicatessen.
Dancing around to please everyone,
When in the end it's them who's won.

Let's stand up and raise our fists,
Let's make sure everyone gets the gist.
Who I am fits me like a glove,
All I really want is to be loved.

I don't want your deep connections,
I don't want your deep suggestions.
I don't want to keep your insurrections.
I just want to make my own objections.

Be you, I said, be yourself.
Those who love you,
Will show themselves.
Don't try to conform to the norm.
To force yourself to some ideal form.


--Brian

Ok. Update.

I suppose this is a bad time to try and do an update. It's 12:41am and I wake up between 5am-7am every morning now. So, this is going to be a short update... it won't nearly have as many details as needed to give a proper update as to what's happening right now in my life.

Either way, here's one sentence for the blog:

My wife is moving out on the first of next month and a friend is moving into the other bedroom in my house.

That should sum up the last 8 months of my life.

Life...

It's amazing what life will throw at you. It's amazing what you can take, as well. It's difficult to write on here without giving too much away, but I just want to express that I want to run away from everything but at the same time stand up, be a man, and make things work the way they're supposed to.

It's so difficult to see someone moving towards a path of destruction and not being able to do anything about it. All you can do is love. But, you have to be very cautious in the love because you can push that person away. It's so complicated. Why!? WHY!?

Why can't people just accept things for what they are. Control what they can control and let go of that which they cannot? Why can't we just choose right over wrong every time? Why can't we all just GET ALONG?!?

Sometimes I feel like the only sane person... I wish I could just say a magic word and then, BAM, change a persons thought process to understand mine and see where I'm really coming from.

I believe I'm pretty articulate. But, sometimes when I'm in specific situations which dictate a more aggressive level communication, I cannot say anything the way I truly mean it. How do you express yourself without breaking every barrier of safety?

Maybe that's it. I can't wear kid gloves anymore. Maybe I need to man-up and just say things the way they are. They're already going south and if I do nothing they will continue to move to where they will be eventually out of my reach.

I need to say what needs to be said. I need to put it bluntly but with love. I need to speak the truth in love. I need to be a true example of a man... the best that I can be and if things don't work out the way I originally planned, that's ok. I tried. I did my best and I did what I was supposed to do. It's better than watching everything slip away to place that's beyond my control.

Here I come, to the land of the unknown. The land of possible rejection. The land of possibility...

Hooooh Boy. :)

Been a while since I posted! Well, let's see here...

-We went through the stresses of the final few weeks before out marriage.
-Went through the Wedding, which was awesome! Thank you to everyone who helped. :)
-Went on a week vacation to Baja California on a Carnival Cruise (highly recommend).
-Came back and went back to work to find out that I was being let go.
-Immediately started a job search that night and got 3 interviews with the same company in 2 days time!
-Now, I'm looking for all opportunities that will roll my way and/or that I have to search for.

So, that's a short list of the long month that I haven't written anything. I have to say that I love being married. We've only gotten into a few little arguments so most of the time we're just having a great time being as close as a person can be to another.

She's already gotten me to watch the one movie I swore I'd never watch; Titanic. It really was something to convince me to, she has to sit through the equivalent of Football games. : ) lol

I figured it would good to show her that I'd do anything for her and that we can enjoy things that the other person loves to do together. Either way, the movie was just waaaay too long. Bleh.

I'm now just writing before I head out into the big world and find other job opportunities again! :) weeeee!

I actually found that alot of the little spats that we were having were directly related to the extreme stress of paying for our own wedding and of putting it on. I'm glad we did, though. It's allowed us to have a nice little get-a-way from the stress of these huge events... even though the losing of the job is kind of a big event that's added a lot of stress, I think we're more prepared as a couple to take care of it and deal with it together.

Another funny thing that happened was the fact that I got sick a week before the wedding and cruise and was throwing up and doing the number 2 dance. Then, I was praying I wouldn't do that again until after everything was finally over. Well, that's exactly what I got. On the car ride home I still felt like I was on the boat, which wasn't so bad, except for some reason I had a terrible headache and my tummy was upset.

So, they had to pull over and I threw up. Then I got home, which took way to long because of me, and fell into bed instantaneously, 20 minutes later woke up and threw everything up that I had eaten for the past 7 days. lol Money wasted!

The weird thing was that I couldn't keep my eyes open. I fell right to sleep and slept for 12 hours straight from 8pm to 8am and felt great and refreshed in the morning. I guess if I were to ever be sick, that's the way to do it. Get it all out at the beginning, sleep the rest of it off and wake up feeling great. :)

Sick

I'm sick. I woke up this morning vomiting and doin' the number two in the not so happy fun-time format. Didn't go to work today, so I feel bad for not making the money I should be working for my family that's about to start... and yet, I'm still dizzy, light-headed, nauseous, and got liquid flying from my body every which way (gross, huh?).

I thought I'd share this with you all, thank you.

Less Than Two Weeks

Yup, less than two weeks left! The excitement is coming in small stints and starting to hit harder and harder as the big day comes closer. We'll see how I feel next week after Jason's wedding. I'm wearing fuchsia for my tuxedo tie and vest! AH! It's just like Jason to pull something like that. :)

Either way, I can't believe it's already been 8 months since I've asked her to marry me. It seems like this day's been so far away for so very long, but now it's right upon on and we're scrambling to make all the final arrangements.

All I know is that I love her and that I'll support her through her life. If I do that, I know we'll be happy together always...

12 more days...!!

Mini Spats

It's funny. Little tiny things can get people upset. Drama comes in the smallest packages and yet, when those little tiny packages are opened, it's as though they're the biggest things in the world at the moment.

This seems especially true when you really care about a person and then the whole world just seems to turn upside down when you're not in agreement.

Yet... the funny thing is, the next morning things seem to be back to normal... was it ever really worth being upset about in the first place?

I wish we could think this clear headed while it was happening.

PS

I forgot to mention that God healed my ears. Yay! :)

Getting Closer

We're getting closer and closer to the big day. The day we get married. It's getting very excited and nerve-racking at the same time. It's like looking forward to an impending situation that's out of your control that you know you're destined for and that you've wanted your whole life.

When it started out when we were dating, we had control of everything. We had our own lives, our own time, our own money... now it's as if when I proposed I somehow set up a time bomb and have been watching it tick. I can't stop it (frankly, I don't want to), and everything was set into motion by that one simple gesture, "Will you marry me?"

It's a scary feeling to lose control, but what I'm gaining is so much greater. For me though, it's now the feeling of responsibility for someone else. I'm now responsible for a family. Can I do it?

I know I can, but it's the change. The change of environment. This time last year I was coming home everyday to doing whatever the heck I wanted to do. Now, I'm getting off of work (6 days a week) and eating with her or doing something that's leading up to the wedding. We've had to do so much work... more accurately she's done most of the work. She's amazing when it comes to this stuff.

In the end, I feel like I'm falling towards an inevitable fate... but, what's cool about it is that we set this fate up at the beginning and now we're just playing it out, trying to be the best at our roles for the story as we can be. It's been fun, hard, and absolutely crazy at times, but I appreciate all of it.

I can't wait for us to just be married.

Baptism Ear-Ache

My love got baptized on Sunday and I'm so proud of her. She really took it seriously and was very emotionally overwhelmed (as was I). I have to say that it was one of the more defining moments of our relationship and I hope it's something we'll always remember together as a point where we both shared the fullness of how much we want to do our best to live for God.

I'm proud of you, baby!

Then, later that day I went swimming with my family and got water in my left ear. It hasn't come out yet... :( I can't hear out of that ear very well, so if you'd like to pray for me, I'd appreciate it! :) Thanks!

Well, I gotta get to work... hopefully all goes well today and I glorify the Lord!

Tattoo Dream?

I just had a dream that I was giving someone a tattoo. It was weird and scary at the same time. I was like, "Sweet! I'm giving someone a tattoo! Wait... I don't know how to give a tattoo... :O"

In the dream I messed it up pretty bad and I felt pretty dumb. Oh well. That's what dreams are for. To let us know what we're not doing in life and to let us explore those things we may never get a chance to do.

Our kitten is so cute. I never did write about her here, but we have a little kitten. Her name is Halo. Most of the time N calls her Bubbuz and sometimes I call her 'kitten'. lol Her full name is Luna Halo E**s the Third. I like it.

Well, I gotta take a shower and head out to work. Peace.

Going to work

I'm about to go to work. So, I think this is just to get an entry in since I've been so lax about it for the past year.

Anyway, I hope it goes well. I pray that I do my best and that God blesses it.

Swimming

I forgot how much I love swimming. My love and I went swimming after she got home from work. It was cold at first, then got warm, then got cold again. haha It was one of those things where you get used to the water but then the temperature drops outside and kind of ruins it. Either way, it was a fun time.

She just chatted and chatted about her day and was being who she is when she's so pure and innocent. It's so cute. I got to see her drenched with water and just noticed how beautiful she was all over again...

I love her.

We're getting married in just 6 weeks!

We did get into a little tiffy this morning but she called and apologized directly afterward... God is so faithful. I had just prayed not 2 minutes before the call. I know she loves me, it just hurts how she talks sometimes because it just seems as though she doesn't. But, again, I know emotions are real, but you can't base truth off of them.

Work was aight. Well, we're about 3 work days into a little experiment that Bill and Abe have going on. Dex will be in charge for one month, followed by me, and vice versa for a couple more months after. Then, we'll be evaluated and a manager will be named from between the two of us.

All I know is that I work for God first and foremost. I pray that I bring Him honor each day in all I do and say... though, that part is the most difficult. It seems as though all I bring Him is shame since I make so many mistakes... not only that, but it seems that all that people want to focus on these days. Negativity. It's a real challenge to portray that which you believe in most without coming up short once in a while... or even all the time. =/

Oh well, I guess that's why there's forgiveness...

I love her

Ok, one month, 18 days until we're married. We've overcome so much and we've grown closer still. She's the love of my life and I've met none like her. I'm looking forward to marriage for so many reasons... the reasons I had as a kid and the newly found reasons I've picked up on my path with her.

First off, I love her more and more each and every day. I love her more as she grows closer to the Lord. I love her more when she looks at me and makes her silly faces and whines at me to hug and kiss her...

She's truly one of a kind and the love of my life. I appreciate so much about her. When she's who God made her to be, she's the most kind, loving, caring, gentle person I know. She cares so much more about other people than most people I know... she's passionate! Passionate to the core! She's got the best eye for creativity that I've ever been around. She can take a piece of paper and turn it into a beautiful collection of art.

She's driven to do what's right... like, right when I need it. She's always encouraging me to be doing what's best for us and for others. She's courageous... my goodness is she! She'll be afraid of doing something, and when I see that I think usually that person will not do it... but not her. She does it! She'll grit her teeth and go what needs to be done. She's extremely strong and yet is as sensitive a person I've ever known.

She loves the lost and needy... she cares for each person she meets, even if she doesn't care for the way they hurt others. Without her, I'd be stuck doing nothing with no ambition. She's the love of my life and I'm so grateful to have known her.

I cannot wait to marry her, fall sleep next to her, wake up with her, and fall in love with her all over again every morning...

Musicals and My Love

So, I'm in love with a musical. What? How? I don't know. It's awesome though. It's called Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog. It's amazing in every way. Witty, funny, whimsical, tragic.... yes, I said tragic. Don't ask. Just watch it.

The songs are amazing. I've since been singing and trying to not look gay, but eh'. I love music. I love the way the music in this short film blends so well with the characters. Very well done.

In other news I love Niki. Like, I'm talking head-over-heals. She's so amazing. Always encouraging and I couldn't imagine life without her... and I don't want to. Her smile, her laugh, her smell... everything about her is just amazing. Just the fact that she puts up with me. I'd say that's an accomplishment in and of itself.

So, I need to go see the new Batman movie. It looks awesome. I loved Batman Begins. This is gonna be sweet.

Swinging

Have you ever just gone to the park late at night and gotten on the swings? Well, it's definitely an awesome thing to do when you're with someone who's having just as much fun as you. Maybe it's true, it's immature. But, the truth is that I'm glad I can have a good time being myself.

Besides, I almost hurled after I went upside down on the swings. How awesome is that?

Go out with your girlfriend, check. Get dinner, check. Go to the park at 10:30pm and almost hurl on a swing-set, check.

Yeap, sounds just about like an amazing night in the making... or perhaps just the beginning of a relationship with Brian... hhmm

It wouldn't have been the first time I've hurled in front of a girlfriend. The now infamous "van ride" to San Jose with the Lopez family was a good way to break in a new relationship.
I'll never forget those sweet words coming from my then sweetie, "Um... Dad. Can you pull over? Brian doesn't look so good."

It was no sooner than her saying those words when the bottle of water I had drank that morning made a grand exit from my tummy and luckily missing everything (and everyone) of importance.

Laughter ensued.

Why?

Was it because I was the guy who was trying to impress his new girlfriend's family? Maybe it was because it was just hilarious of me to throw up in the back seat of my girlfriend's dad's van. Perhaps it was because everyone knew I was a little bit nervous. Or... maybe, just maybe, it was because it was all these things coupled with the fact that I'm just Brian.

Whatever it may be, I've still not lived that day down. Not because it was a one time thing, but because it's been a legacy of mine. I've since thrown up two more times in a Lopez vehicle. That's right, two more times. Wow, talk about a series of bad luck events.

Anyway, needless to say I didn't want to start this relationship off the same way. It's good to know that I saw the consequences of a bad call of mine to go upside down while swinging (after eating food at Denny's) and got off the swings-set in a timely manner.

Yeap, I've learned my lesson. In fact, we went on to have a great night watching the stars and having a great time (without a stomach evacuation occurring) together.

Plus, thank goodness I have a wonderful girlfriend who seems to understand that I'm just not normal. Not only that, she thinks it's pretty cool. And that, my friends, I can't take for granted. I'm freakin' weird and I know it.

Oh, and I finally let myself go a bit that night. I was rewarded with a great return. Here's to a great start of a new relationship...


...hopefully without a traditional Brian 'moment'.

Getting out with pianos.

I almost got away with doing absolutely nothing today. Well, not counting having lunch with the family. Up until about 8pm I was home free with my "I'm not doin' nothin' today at all!" day. Then everyone was going to Denny's which I wasn't going to go to until I heard that Tessa said she wanted to show me the song I had showed her a long time ago on the piano.

I had to go now. She'd been practicing all year! I really wanted to hear it, plus it had been a while since I had seen her and everyone else. OH OH, and Kyle's back too! Sweet.

So, we went to Denny's, ate, then went to Kyle and Tessa's. She played the piano for me and it was absolutely beautiful. I sang and played the piano a bit and that was fun. I love to play whenever I get a chance. It's pretty much awesome.

Mike and I came back to my house and we've been just talking ever since. It's now late and I need to go to bed.

Oh, the A's won today. They've been mediocre at best this month... it's been pretty bad. I hope they do better.

Goodness.

Ok, so I admit it, I suck at blogging. This is what? My first blog in like two months? Lemme look... Ok, one month. Either way, a lot has happened in a month. My job has decided to let myself and another co-worker do profit sharing which could potentially lead to much more financial security, Niki and I made it official... we're totally together now, and um... I still haven't gotten my car. How awesome is that?

Yeah, Ooh oh ohoh! I did however pay off almost all my credit card debts! I still owe some on a card but I'm keeping that little bit in there for a short while because I heard that having at least some debt is good for a credit score. So, I'm lookin' to maximize my score before I get my car so I can get a better loan percentage.

I think I still want the Mazda3. From what I've read so far, every person that's written a review who's owned the car has loved it. It's fast, affordable, freakin' sweet looking, and fuel efficient. Hot.

So, I really like Niki. I've been so cautious up to this point because I've been guarding my heart. But, since the 11th of May (eh-hem, the day we made it official) I've really allowed myself to take that risk. To put my heart out there for her... and so far, it's been awesome. She's been nothing but great to me. She's supportive, sweet, kind, sensitive, smart, funny, and very open. Oh, and she actually wants to do stuff with me. haha That's kind of nice. Sure, I have a lot of friends who like to do things with me... but this is a girl... WHO LIKES ME. What the heck? That's hot.

Seriously though, I think I may be falling for my girlfriend...

I'd vote for Barkley.

I love Charles Barkley. Because he was such a great basketball player? Not really, I didn't like him much when he played. Sure, as much as I didn't like him much, I had to respect the man's ability to play basketball. He's one of the greats. But, I'm not talking about his ability to play basketball now, I'm talking about who he is, the opposite of fake.

Perhaps that's why I didn't like him as a child. I loved Jordan's personality probably because he's most likely a fake. He probably just smiles to appease the media so that he can be liked. Someone that plays off that 'like' for selling the brand of 'Jordan'. Does it work? You betcha.

Barkley? Nope, he didn't care if you liked him or not. He just said what he believed and really meant it. He's actually sincere and real. Barkley was brash, arrogant, and honestly honest. As a kid I hated it, but now I'm finding that I can at least respect a person who isn't giving me a front, regardless of how abrasive I feel they are.

For this reason--and because he's got enough money to not want to go into politics just for the money--I think he'd be a great politician that can actually change things. This is exactly the right type of politician we need. Someone from the inside that we can trust.

The world would be better of with people who speak out and actually say the things that people avoid because they're afraid to offend.

He's not swayed by money, the dude's got plenty. He's not blinded by race, either.

It's because of quotes like this, "I don't create controversies," he has said. "They're there long before I open my mouth. I just bring them to your attention."

Or ... "You only get in trouble when you say what people don't want you to say."--Barkely, espn.com

Really, this man can change things. When he said that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are hypocrites, I was almost immediately hooked.

Charles, please do run. Let's see what someone who speaks what he really sees can do. Let's see how far a genuine person can go in our corrupt political world. I'll be rooting for you and I sure hope I won't be the only one.

Here's to someone who might actually be able to bring some real change.

--Brian

Things

Been a while...

So, what's happened? Well, my time is gone. hah

It seems as though there's not enough of it in the day. Perhaps this is normal for normal people, but I'm not normal. My time is my most prized possession. Maybe when I can let that go I shall truly gain it back again. heh, the exact concept of what I 'should' believe in.

Either way...

To answer your question, No. That's not why I 'left' you.

It's too bad I haven't been able to really and completely say it all. I really did care very much for you enough to do what I felt was the right thing. I'm sorry.


Things are crazy right now. I have a gamut of feelings right now racing through me. I have a decision right now that's really facing me down. I didn't think I'd be making it this early. I just got exactly what I prayed for and then found another opportunity knocking at my door that would give me all the security that I could want right now. But, I'm stuck between loyalty and personal gain, but a good personal gain. It's an actual non-greedy gain. It's something that everyone would say, "Great decision. Good choice."

So, what's my problem? I cannot put myself into the best place for myself because of other people's feelings. I just wish I knew how people would feel if I did what was best for me. The thing is that this wouldn't only be good for me, it would be great for a family I may want to raise at some point. A future... security.

Oh and the A's line up this year? Already happened. I forgot to get back to you. Sorry. =/

As of right now, though? The A's are 9-5. Righteous.